BIOGRAPHY

Well much as I’d like to write something completely hilarious and say that I was born at an early age and raised by a family of orang-utans in the Malaysian rain forest or whatever - I’m not going to. You might actually be trying to find out some proper facts about me for a school project or something. You might even be studying my life and work for some exam you’re about to take. Yeah right Johnny - in your dreams!

So anyway I was born in Nottingham, England in 1958. I left school at the age of 16 and joined the merchant navy as a navigating cadet. I spent the next 7 years sailing around the world on cargo ships, passenger ships, bulk carriers, ferries and even a dredger!

I left the sea because I wanted to be a rock star but ended up being an ice cream van driver instead. Eventually I went to live in London, where I put my vast experience in the ice cream industry to good use by working in the ice cream parlour in Harrods. I got a band together called Subi Kechil, named after an island I used to pass in The South China Sea. Then one day I saw an advertisement in The Stage newspaper looking for actors for a play. I turned up for the audition, green as the proverbial hills and got the part. It was a very weird play. It had goats in it. Real goats not pretend ones.

Anyway then I got a job with a childrens’ theatre company and did that for a couple of years - touring round schools and theatres and stuff - before trying my hand at stand up comedy. (We’ve reached 1984 now by the way if anyone’s wondering). So I was a comedian for about 10 years. That’s pretty much all I did - unless you count appearing as an extra in various forgettable pop videos! I called myself Johnny Immaterial - but only so that I could walk on and say “My name is Immaterial. Johnny Immaterial”. Pretty funny huh? A few people obviously thought so because I won a Time Out magazine award for comedy. I was nominated for The Perrier Award for comedy at The Edinburgh Festival in 1993 with a show called My Booze Hell By Little Johnny Cartilage. I later wrote and acted in a series of the same name on BBC Radio 4.

I did my last comedy gig in 1994 and since then my job description has been writer/actor, strictly in that order.

Oh by the way if anyone’s thinking of stalking me I live in Edinburgh, Scotland. I’m married - sorry laydeez - and have 3 sons. When I’m not talking about myself I enjoy moaning and being cynical about things.

That’s about it really. If you want to know more about my books go to the “Books” page. If you want to know more about other stuff go to “Other Stuff”. Couldn’t be simpler could it?